Why so blue you ask? Well it’s pretty simple really: the American delegation at the 2014 Winter Olympics. Yes, I realize we’re only halfway through the games. Yes, I realize we’re still second in the medal count with plenty of events to go. Yes, I realize that the female athletes from Norway are RIDICULOUSLY hot this year. However, all of this cannot overshadow the disappointment I have in our “top” stars and how they’ve absolutely flopped in Sochi. Let’s begin with the biggest name:
Snowboarding – Shaun White? Shaun White? Has anyone seen Shaun White? Let me answer that for you: the only one who has seen Shaun White is the wall of the half pipe that still has his a$$ imprint in it! Easily the biggest American name in the Winter Games, Mr. White failed to impress on almost every level you can think of. First, the greatest snowboarder in the world pulls out of a brand new event because “it looks scary” and “my wrist got an ouchy when I fell.” Give me a break. Then in his signature discipline, the event where he won back to back gold medals, he absolutely choked on pretty much every run he had. The only clean run he put down the entire competition was when he did a whole lot of nothing and the judges gave him a 95 because they remembered he used to have really cool hair. If you ask me, the Flying Tomato is starting to look a lot more like the Falling Potato. Stick a fork in this spud, he’s done.
Oh, and don’t think I forgot about the women. The “pioneer of women’s snowboarding” Kelly Clark and the former World Champion Hannah Teter, they’ll get it done! Right? Right? What do you mean only one of them medaled? What do you mean it was a bronze? What do you mean that the hot chick from Australia who’s participating in every event in the Olympics and admitted before her final run that she’s super tired beat them both? Seriously? Good thing that other American girl who nobody has ever heard of decided to show up and save the day. What was her name again? Exactly.
Skiing – Bode Miller. I literally shudder when I hear the name. You want to talk about choking … I can’t even eat a bagel while this guy is on TV for fear that the choke will penetrate through my screen, into my bagel, and down my throat. What’s worse is, I actually fooled myself into thinking he could win this time. “Oh, Bode destroyed the competition in pretty much every day of training?! Maybe this is finally his year to step up and not disappoint!!!” Yeah … about that …
And how about Lindsey Vonn? I don’t care that she’s injured, she still should have won!
Speed Skating – Ever since Apollo retired, I’ve felt a sense of loss when it came to Speed Skating. How were we going to compete on the world’s biggest stage without the only speed skater to ever perform on Dancing With the Stars? But then, I was reminded that Shani Davis is a two time defending gold medalist in the long track 1000 meters. And JR Celski as a 4 year old took Bronze in the short track event in Vancouver. This is going to be great!!! But wait … we’re Americans … and this year that means we suck. What did Davis do in his shining moment? He finished 8th. EIGHTH PLACE!!! A 74 year old midget gardener from the Netherlands who entered when his cousin got a splinter making wooden shoes beat Davis! Ok, not really, but they probably could have. What if I told you that Davis lost to a guy from South Korea who used to be a stud but then started to get old, slow, and injured so he was shunned by the Koreans and ended up moving to Russia who paid him a lot of money to get back in shape and change his name just so he could pretend to skate well under their flag on their home turf? Sound far-fetched? Like the midget? Ok, you got me, that guy didn’t beat Davis. HE BEAT CELSKI!!! Our youngest up-and-coming hero to be! Where’s Apollo when you need him? Oh wait … he’s too busy dancing with a cute little 20 year old Russian ballroom dancer who’s half naked and grinding up on him to the sounds of “Shake You Bon Bon” by Ricky Martin. Ok, not gonna lie, I’d probably do the same thing.
To summarize: if you had to list out the big names in American winter sports coming in to the Olympics, they’ve all lost. Not only lost, but many of them have lost in epic fashion and without any hope of even competing for a gold medal. There is still over a week left in the games and some of our most impressive athletes have yet to take the court/ice/fronton. Unfortunately, the pattern suggests that they’re just going to fall into the abyss with a choke performance like the rest of them. So, as Bill Goldberg might ask: “Who’s Next?”